There seems to be a lot of ups and downs lately. Well, big ups and then normal, really. No real downs, I guess. Things with Cutter are wonderful as usual, but I can feel him getting frustrated with me a bit lately. I'm in a particularly apathetic mood as of late and I just don't want to get up and do anything. I want to just veg out on the TV, work on my needlepoint or play on my computer. I feel bad because I know he wants to go out and play frisbee golf or go to the park or just be out, and I want to do that too, I just seem to have very little motivation for it.

I think a big part of it is my inconsistency with my meds is catching up with me. My bottle that was supposed to last a month and a half has lasted over three months now. Basically, I take a dose and then wait until I go into withdrawls before I take it again, only to ease the withdrawl, and then repeat the cycle. My metabolism is pretty low so it takes about three days before I notice withdrawl symptoms. So basically I've been particularly emotional and my mood has been bouncing all over the place. I need to decide if I want to stop taking my meds or keep going, because if I'm going to take them I need to do it every day or it just messes me up more. ( More on meds, you may not be interested. )

Anyways, I took my meds yesterday and today and so hopefully I'm going to even out a bit here and not be such a basketcase for Cutter's sake, if not my own. I think the heat is a part of my recent laziness. The heat makes me sleepy and I just want to lay back and do nothing for awhile.

So I went to work this morning at the physical therapy office and I am covering for our full time receptionist while she is on vacation, so I feel a bit under pressure. Yesterday I saw my doctor to talk about the meds I'm currently on (Effexor and was on Concerta). Concerta is too expensive for me to buy without health insurance and since it's just extended release ritalin, my doc wrote me an RX for just plain old ritalin. I wasn't sure if I wanted to take it, stigma and all, but since I was tired when I woke up this morning and it's a stimulant, I decided to take one (they're a low dose, only 10mg) and see how it went.

I can't remember the last time I have concentrated so well, so easily. All the little details that I miss all too often at work I was on top of today. I remembered everything I needed to do and got it all done. I was efficient, my mind didn't wander, basically I was amazed. I didn't have any jitters or other side effects from the ritalin which I think is because it's a low dose.

It worked so incredibly well that I'm a little scared. I have controlled my ADD pretty much my whole life without meds until this last year. The anti-depressant I'm on (Effexor) exacerbates my ADD and makes it hard to manage and since I'm on such a high dose (300mg, the highest recommended dose) it has really made it hard for me lately. Why am I scared if the ritalin is working well and all is fine and good?

I don't want the stigma. I don't want to be unable to control myself. I feel like a failure.

I've been a total vegetable lately and just in a generally down mood. I have no idea why. I want it to stop. I've been smoking more because of it and that's pissing me off because I don't want to smoke that much. I used to do it only occasionally. I feel like I have no time for anything, especially now that I'm starting my second job today. I just have no energy. I am starting to not care about most things. I should be so happy- I have an incredible relationship with Cutter, we live in a great place, things are going pretty well overall, I'm really close to graduating, what more could I want? *sigh* I don't know what my deal is. I hope this isn't a sign that the Effexor is starting to lose it's effectiveness. I know that can happen. They call it the 'prozac poop-out'. I don't know what I'll do if that's the case- for the first time since I can remember I have been decently happy and while I hate feeling dependent on a drug for that, it really has improved the quality of my life. Nothing else has worked like Effexor does and I'm already on the highest recommended dosage (and no longer have medical insurance) so increasing the dose is not the best of options. Maybe it's just because I started taking concerta. So there we have it- I'll probably have to choose between my general mental-health and being able to concentrate on anything.

Ok, so I have had ADD all my life (not ADHD, there's a difference) as well as depression for practically ever. In the last few years I seriously struggled with an eating disorder and self injury. The reason for my post- I HATE with the burning passion of a thousand suns the people who decide to 'dabble' with real problems.

( ADD )

( Eating Disorders )

Ok, not sure why I'm in the ranting mood, but there you go.

I was very lazy this weekend. I just sat on my bed, watched TV and bummed around on the internet. Altogether not bad. I procrastinated on my paper, which was bad, but ended up finishing it on time without being terribly rushed and it turned out great, which is good. (What's up with my English teachers deciding to teach philosophy this quarter, anyway?)

I wonder if I have hyperinsomnia from my meds. (Hyperinsomnia means you have so much energy that you're tired but can't sleep.) Effexor has always been energizing to me, even though it's not technically a stimulant. Now I'm on Concerta which IS a stimulant and definitely gives me energy. I wouldn't be worried since it's nice to not be exhausted all the time (side effect from poor nutrition, stress and depression), but the reason I worry is that I can take the Concerta at 8am and not get tired/be able to sleep until after midnight. That's cool and all, but if I don't get to sleep until 3am it's hard to get up at 7am. As soon as I take the Effexor and the Concerta I have energy again, but I'm worried that it's a false energy and I'm actually really wearing myself down and I'll get sick. I always get sick when my body gets worn out. (Stupid body, it can't keep up with the rest of me.)

Things are otherwise going awesome. We made our rent (yay!) and Cutter and I are having way too much fun together, as usual.

A guy I dated last spring is coming back into town in July. (he's the one who went to Russia for a year, if you have read that post). He just sent me a random e-mail which rocked because who doesn't like getting random e-mails? But the tone of it confused me a little. He mentioned he was dating someone (good for him) but also talked about good memories we had together last spring. Jack (that's his name) and I had a lot of fun together, but we were nothing serious. More like good friends who cared about each other and kind of fooled around. I guess it would be nice to see him again, but honestly I have been fine living with the thought that I would probably never see him again. He was fun to talk to (he was my English buddy, so I called him Buddy Jack), but...I dunno...he wasn't THAT important to me. So I just wonder if he's thinking he'll get the hook up when he rolls back into town. I absolutely detest the idea of anyone thinking of me that way. Hmmmm... Maybe I'll post his e-mail and you guys can tell me what you think.

Truly. Since my parents got divorced when I was just a little baby I have been carted back and forth between two houses and two dinners and two families for years. This year I finally decided to do what's best for ME which is spend the holiday with my Mom and Dad (stepdad) and see my bio dad later this weekend. It feels good. But I'm going to be away from Cutter for three days which is more than we've been apart pretty much except for the four days that seperated our first and second dates. I miss him lots already.

So I went to the doctor this week and I lost the argument this time. The effexor works SOOOOOOO well on my depression, but it exacerbates my ADD and anxiety. So now I'm on Effexor for the depression, strattera for the ADD and buspar for the anxiety. I really hate the idea of medicating side effects because that could go on forever. But my doc and I have had this argument before and finally she just said 'I know you don't want to take multiple meds but we can just try it and if you don't like it we'll take you off. But it might work for you.'

Translation: I gave in.

The problem is that I get the same feeling I got when I first started taking prozac; I feel guilty- like I can't even control myself so I have to be medicated. I hate the feeling of inadequacy and shame I get. Yuck. Damnit! I wish there was nothing wrong with me. I am so messed up and I wish that I could just be a normal, average, non-assuming, fade-into-the-background person for once. Well, maybe not. I actually kind of like who I am, at least, parts of me. But to just feel normal...to not have this fight everyday...that would be amazing...