...since I haven't recently. Well it turns out the call from the lawyer wasn't about my family suing me. As far as I know they haven't sued me yet. Bonus, I guess. Though honestly I'm still expecting it to happen. *sigh* I hate that I have this type of relationship with my family now, but I have made so many efforts to be in contact with them and stay a part of the family and they always shut me down flat. So now I don't know if it's worth it anymore. I want a family, but... I don't know if it's that important for me to have this family anymore.

God, am I horrible for thinking that?

I got a call from a lawyer today 'regarding a pending legal matter.' I have to call him tomorrow.

I think my parents are suing me.

I was working late today and I've been trying to figure out what to get her for her birthday, trying to figure out if I could go down to visit her, and planning on calling her today when I got home from work. A few minutes after I got home, this is the text she sent me just before I called her.

Oh my gosh guess what dad bought me for my birthday...a brand new 2004 kia spectra. Oh ya, it's my birthday. How many have you missed now? All of ours. I really hope you dont expect aanything for yours (Grammar issues left in tact.)

Lets ignore the fact that my Dad just bought her a brand new car when he never would have done anything like that for me and she was just in an accident earlier this year. But my Mom never told him about that.

So I called her since I was planning on it anyway. Our conversation:

Sabrina: What.
Me: Oh...I just wanted to call because it was your birthday and everything.
Sabrina: You're full of shit, Samantha. Please. I don't believe anything you say. Stop doing this to me. I'm so sick of this. I'm going to go now. I'm having dinner with my family.

I have been trying to figure out when I could go down and see her, I wanted to try and see my family. But because she texted me first it means I wasn't planning on doing anything at all for her birthday. And if I had called first she wouldn't have cared anyway. I can't do anything right. I never did anything to her anyway. All this because of what happened with my parents.

I'm fucking try to extend an olive branch but I'm beginning to see that my family may never be mature enough for that. They just don't love me enough to care. Now I don't know if I should go down there and give her a present and be the bigger person, or just stay away so they can't treat my like that anymore.

I am sick of being the bigger person when it comes to my family, but phone calls like the one I had yesterday remind me why it is that I'm the one to push my anger aside and stay in contact with them.

I called my mother since it was Mother's Day. She actually tried to start a conversation with me and asked how things were going. Pretty civil. The important part though- she told me that my brother is going to see a neurologist because he has been diagnosed with Tourette's Syndrome.

I am so shocked and I realize now that I shouldn't be. He's only 14. Gabe's always had a problem with tapping and this weird sniffing thing he does and other little tics. I didn't notice them much except that my Dad would always get angry at him for doing it and Gabe couldn't really stop. I guess I just thought it was a compulsive habit.

Well, since I haven't been around much these last few months he's apparently rapidly regressed- he's developed a lot of verbal tics and my Mom started taking him to the doctor.

I don't know what to do. I'm still not really welcome in that house, though it's better than it was before, I think. And my brother was mad at my Mom for making him get a cat scan and such, he's just a kid- he doesn't know how to deal with something like this. He wants to stop the tics and so he's ok with going to the neurologist now, but I just don't know how to support him. I feel horrible for not being there but I know it's not really my fault that I haven't been. I don't know how to jump back into a support figure for him after so many months of not even being allowed in that house and not talking to him... I love my brother so much. He's the only one in my family I ever felt like was accepting of me as who I am and not judgemental. We are so much alike. I'm so lost right now...

...but it's just not coming to me. Oh well.

It's Mother's Day and I will probably call my Mom today (for the first time since Easter which was the first time since the beginning of February). I just want my family back. I really do. I don't want all the impossible expectations, I don't want the strings that require me to visit at least twice a month or else I'm a bad daughter.

You know, it's almost easier just being permanently in the 'bad child' category rather than constantly bouncing back and forth, fighting to meet their unreasonable expectations and conntinually disappointing them. At least this way I don't have to constantly feel inadequate- I felt that way for a little bit in January and the beginning of February, then I became a bit indignant because of how unreasonable they were being and then indifferent because I knew I couldn't change their minds when they're operating like that.

But I miss my little brother, I miss my little sister, I miss having dinner together on holidays and birthdays. Damnit, at the same time I DON'T miss them treating me like I'm completely incapable, I don't miss them trying to limit what I do even when I'm just home for the weekend, I don't miss them holding me to a double standard- telling me they want me to 'be responsible' and do everything myself but refusing to let me do anything on my own because they don't believe in me enough to think I can do anything myself.

I want my family back, but I want them to let me live my own life just a little bit, and not judge me when I choose to do it a little differently than they would.

I sucked it up and called my Mom. It's Easter, I haven't talked to her in two months, my sister said that she thought my Mom said she was waiting for me to 'make the first move' before she was going to talk to me.

I called. She barely spoke to me. It was tense. She blew me off and when I tried to start a conversation she only gave me one word answers. After about five minutes she got off the phone with me. I thought she might not end the phone conversation with our standard "I love you" but she did. That made me feel the tiniest better.

I am being the fucking BIGGEST PERSON in my family. Fuck them. And my mom actually had the gall to act like her feelings were hurt because I went over to Cutter's family's house for Easter. MY FAMILY DIDN'T INVITE ME AND DIDN'T WANT ME THERE!!! HOW CAN SHE BE MAD THAT I WENT SOMEPLACE WHERE PEOPLE WANTED ME?!?!?!

It's Easter and my family doesn't want to have anything to do with me for the holiday. Yeah, fuck you too.

I feel ridiculously guilty because I have to work on my boyfriend's birthday. I was going to have to work anyway, but now I'm going to have to work about two hours later than normal because I have to do this training thing. Cutter got all upset when I told him because I had a choice of doing it on his birthday (when I was going to have to work anyway) or the day before his birthday, when I have school all day (which means I can't do it). He got really upset, I felt really guilty. So I told him I'd skip school so I could do the training thing the day before his birthday even though I would still have to work on his birthday though not for as long. After he made me feel like shit "well it's not like my birthday is important or anything", he decides it doesn't matter, no big deal, he's fine. I feel like shit still and to add to it my feelings are a bit hurt too.

I get my tattoo tomorrow. I am kind of excited, I was really excited, but I just want to burst into tears right now. I'm so worthless and a pain in the ass. I'm a bad girlfriend and daughter and sister and student and everything else.

I just feel like shit. I haven't taken my meds in two days. Maybe that's why I feel so emotionally unstable. Missing two days of meds didn't used to do this to me. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Cutter and I found the BEST place to live! We'll find out probably tomorrow afternoon if we've been approved or not. But I have really no doubt that we will be. It's AWESOME! They just knocked the rent down or else we wouldn't be able to afford such a nice place. Two bedrooms, a kitchen with dishwasher, one bathroom, and the apartment is practically all new. There's a pool, sauna and mini-gym which rules.

There's only one problem...

We have to be out of here by tomorrow and we can't move in to the new apartment until this weekend at the earliest, next wednesday at the latest. So we're going to have to stay with Cutter's Dad and Stepmom until then.

Guess what else I found out? After all my parents bullshit about me breaking the rules and wanting me to stay here on my own (even though I can't afford it), I was going to have to move ANYWAY because THEY were breaking the rules!!!

They told me that they had permission for me to live here even though it's supposed to be 'owner occupied', meaning only the owner can live in the house and since my parents are the owners and they don't live here, I'm here against the rules. So I was going to have to move anyway through no fault of my own. So why do they get to make it sound like I messed it up for them? At this point, I feel a bit vindicated that they are most definitely going to lose money on this place.

On Sunday, they showed up and told me to start packing my things so I could be ready to leave by Tuesday. I refused to pack my stuff with my Dad standing over me and critisizing me for 'packing wrong', they got pissed and left. Twenty minutes later there's a knock at the door and MY PARENTS HAVE CALLED THE COPS. They lied to the police and said that they didn't know who Cutter was and didn't have permission to be there and that we were refusing to leave. SO NOT TRUE! I told them we would be out by Tuesday. I just didn't want to try and pack my shit all right then seeing as how I had to study for my mid-term in the morning and I just know how my Dad is. He would stand there and tell me I was packing wrong, yelling at me the whole time about how I'm a terrible daughter and that I don't care about anything. It's crap. I refused to let it happen to me again. Man they were pissed.

Cutter is proud of me for not taking their shit. I'm actually proud of me too. I feel bad for my Mom though. She's sad, and she has this whole thing about keeping the parental front united so she won't disagree with my Dad in front of us. When he's mad he's completely irrational and doesn't listen to anyone including himself.

One good thing that is stemming out of this (besides me finally cutting the last strings my parents have on me) is a great name for an essay that Cutter came up with- Parental Retardation

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!!!  My Dad is freaking because I'm living with Cutter in the house I rent from him.  If I rent the house, can't I live with whoever the fuck I want?  He is kicking me out.  I'm 21 fucking years old, I am a god-damned adult and I can live with my boyfriend if I want to!  I honestly doubt he would really make me move since I pay the space rent on the house and if I'm not here to pay it then he has to and he can't even live here.  But who gives a shit about that?  He can pay the fucking rent on a house he can't live in and can't sell.  I can take care of myself.

My parents constantly tell me to act like an adult and take care of everthing myself.  But when I do that and it's not the way they would like me to do it, they flip out and get pissed.  Choose one goddamnit!!!!  It will be much better to be out of this house and no longer owe them anything anyway.  Then they won't have any power over me and I won't feel like I have to take their shit.  My initial feelings of worthlessness are now being replaced by righteous indignation.  FUCK THEM. 

They are dead set on thinking that I'm a fuck up, a whore, a slacker, a bitch, a terrible daughter, whatever.  Everyone else on the planet doesn't get it.  Cutter's stepmom told me that I seem to be one of the most together and responsible people she's seen my age.  So why is it my family can't see that?  Cutter wants me to stand up for myself and as scary as it is to stand up to my parents (only because I haven't before, only to other people) I need to do it.  I can't let them make me feel like shit for whatever reason they have.  They think I'm not going to school or work for some reason (even though I am) and nothing I say or do will change their minds.  They've proven that through history.  Whatever.  I am a good person, damnit.  A GOOD PERSON.  And NOTHING they say can change that and NOTHING they do can take away from my self-worth starting NOW.

How can I keep doing this? Even when I'm TRYING so hard NOT to fuck up, I seem to be doing it anyways.

My grandmother came to visit on the day I had tickets to the Sonics vs. Heat game that cost me $80 (BIG game). I told my mom I wouldn't be coming because I had the Sonics tickets. She told me to come anyway, but I didn't because I HAD TICKETS to one of the biggest games of the year and I spent too much money on them already.

Today (after my grandmother has left) she told me that I should have come down. I told her that she knew the situation and that I would see Grandma next time (though I WOULD have really liked to see her) and I e-mail and phone her to keep in touch.

This is when she tells me that my grandma is GOING BLIND and may not be able to see me (literally) the next time I see her.
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In other news, my landlord is an IDIOT. I paid my December rent, my check was cashed, and now they say I owe $800 because they never got it. (Stupid people, don't they know ANYTHING about bookkeeping?) I was in the process of getting a copy of the check from my bank to prove they had cashed it when they dropped by the house (and called my mother) and got all pissed and said I had to pay the $800 like, NOW.

Right- cuz I have the money to pay my rent twice PLUS extra late fees and shit. Grrrrrr x100! I realized that there's a chance my check got swiped out of the rent box (wouldn't be the first time around here) and if that's the case then I'm responsible for the $800 (even if I file with my bank and I get my $330 back).
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Truly. Since my parents got divorced when I was just a little baby I have been carted back and forth between two houses and two dinners and two families for years. This year I finally decided to do what's best for ME which is spend the holiday with my Mom and Dad (stepdad) and see my bio dad later this weekend. It feels good. But I'm going to be away from Cutter for three days which is more than we've been apart pretty much except for the four days that seperated our first and second dates. I miss him lots already.

So I went to the doctor this week and I lost the argument this time. The effexor works SOOOOOOO well on my depression, but it exacerbates my ADD and anxiety. So now I'm on Effexor for the depression, strattera for the ADD and buspar for the anxiety. I really hate the idea of medicating side effects because that could go on forever. But my doc and I have had this argument before and finally she just said 'I know you don't want to take multiple meds but we can just try it and if you don't like it we'll take you off. But it might work for you.'

Translation: I gave in.

The problem is that I get the same feeling I got when I first started taking prozac; I feel guilty- like I can't even control myself so I have to be medicated. I hate the feeling of inadequacy and shame I get. Yuck. Damnit! I wish there was nothing wrong with me. I am so messed up and I wish that I could just be a normal, average, non-assuming, fade-into-the-background person for once. Well, maybe not. I actually kind of like who I am, at least, parts of me. But to just feel normal...to not have this fight everyday...that would be amazing...