...I feel like a failure.

When Cutter's computer got a nasty virus a month or two ago I re-installed windows on the partioned drive of his harddisk so that we could bypass the infected version. The only thing is that the partitioned drive is very small and he wants to have full access to his harddrive again.

Today I installed a nice new video card so he can play the really cool pc games that are out now and that went perfectly, but I can't delete the partioned drive without removing his files and I can't uninstall the previous version of xp off of the main drive because the virus made it impossible. I mean, I'm trying really hard and I've been able to do a lot more than most. Installing a new graphics card isn't rocket scientist but most people I know wouldn't even know which card to switch out or have a clue how to create/delete a partioned drive to bypass infected files.

He's just so down right now and I feel like it's my fault because I can't fix it. We were on our way to having a great day playing video games and watching movies and having pizza and drinking for the first time in awhile but now everything just feels... like I broke it.

Well things are going pretty well. This summer has been truly fantastic, thanks very much in part to my baby, Cutter.

On Friday we babysat for his 4 year old nephew, Carson, who is a typical 4 year old. It was damn exhausting. We were there for 11 hours. For some reason, Cutter's stepmom, who is 'super-grandma', has recently decided she doesn't want to help out with Josh's child (Cutter's brother), only her son Gabe's children. So a couple times in the last few months Carson needed someone to watch him and we've done it. He's a sweet kid, just, trying.

For the first time in a long time I am not in any hurry to have children. I guess I just have lots of other things I want to do first.

Recently I keep noticing how damn girly I've become! How this happened I have no idea. I used to be die hard tomboy. I catch myself saying things like, "I like pink" and stitching flowery little projects and such. I guess I've always been kind of girly seeing as how I lack a Y-chromosome and all. I like to garden, cook, crochet, sew, do needlework, all that. But for some reason saying "I like pink!" is a huge red flag for me. Weirdness.

I woke up this morning and did my normal 'getting ready for work' stuff. Nothing exciting. Finding appropriate clothing, brushing my teeth, getting stuff together to keep me busy while I'm bored out of my mind. All that.

And per this morning routine, I went and gave Cutter a kiss, slightly waking him up so I could say goodbye. He smiled, still half asleep, I said "'Bye baby", and turned to go.

He says to me all sleepy, "I love you."

I know we do this every morning that I go to work, but I feel so incredibly lucky and loved.

I wrote this in one of my communities on Sunday. I've decided to put it in my personal journal as well now.

I hadn't cut since December 9, 2004. 254 days. But that is basically gone now. I hadn't been taking my meds consistently. I thought maybe I could do without them. But I fell into a depressive episode. I started taking them again last week and I've started to feel a lot better already. But... Last night I just lost it. The last few times I've been to the doctor I've gone through the cupboards and swiped those little surgical razors that go in a scalpal(sic?). At first I just did three tiny little scratches on my leg. The didn't even bleed. And I was like, "well, it doesn't really count, it's not like I really cut myself up." I decided to do one real cut. ( Could be triggering. )

I hate myself right now. But who am I kidding. I have been picking my skin for weeks now. Every tiny scratch I picked at until it was bigger, never letting it heal, making it bleed. I had a tiny pimple next to my nose that I scratched off. It's now almost a half inch in diameter of raw skin. I just kept picking and picking at it, making it bleed, making it hurt. A tiny ingrown hair on my arm has turned into a seriously painful scabby bump from me picking at it for weeks. I think I have caused permanent nerve damage.

I'm scared of myself. And now that I don't have so much time under my belt of not cutting, why shouldn't I just start doing it again? I have nothing.

There seems to be a lot of ups and downs lately. Well, big ups and then normal, really. No real downs, I guess. Things with Cutter are wonderful as usual, but I can feel him getting frustrated with me a bit lately. I'm in a particularly apathetic mood as of late and I just don't want to get up and do anything. I want to just veg out on the TV, work on my needlepoint or play on my computer. I feel bad because I know he wants to go out and play frisbee golf or go to the park or just be out, and I want to do that too, I just seem to have very little motivation for it.

I think a big part of it is my inconsistency with my meds is catching up with me. My bottle that was supposed to last a month and a half has lasted over three months now. Basically, I take a dose and then wait until I go into withdrawls before I take it again, only to ease the withdrawl, and then repeat the cycle. My metabolism is pretty low so it takes about three days before I notice withdrawl symptoms. So basically I've been particularly emotional and my mood has been bouncing all over the place. I need to decide if I want to stop taking my meds or keep going, because if I'm going to take them I need to do it every day or it just messes me up more. ( More on meds, you may not be interested. )

Anyways, I took my meds yesterday and today and so hopefully I'm going to even out a bit here and not be such a basketcase for Cutter's sake, if not my own. I think the heat is a part of my recent laziness. The heat makes me sleepy and I just want to lay back and do nothing for awhile.

Ok, so I finished Cutter's awesome cloak a few days ago and after some re-hemming to get it the right length and getting a good pin for it, it is officially perfect! That said, here are some pictures of him in his beautiful cloak. I have some other pics of me working on it and stuff, but photobucket is being difficult so I'll probably add those later. Look out, Samantha sews. But she doesn't illegally trade stock, so atleast I'm not totally Martha Stewart.

( Rockin' cloak! )

You can't completely tell, but the lining is crimson satin. Tell me that's not awesome?

My new computer is finally here and up and running! God damn I love it. Looooooooooove it. *sigh* I'm thrilled.

In other awesome news, I finished Cutter's cloak! It looks awesome! I'm pretty proud of the job I did and he loves it, so all is right with the world.

I started playing Guild Wars again last night. Oh man, I knew I shouldn't have started an online RPG. I started playing around 7 when I got home, took a break from about 10 to 12 to finish Cutter's cloak and aside from a few small breaks here and there, I played all night until I had to go to work this morning. That's almost 10 hours solid. I know I can get addicted to video games but my god this game is awesome. And Cutter and I can play together since we each have computers and accounts so it's tons of fun. I want to go home and play more. Now. I want to go home now.

I keep wanting to write about this but it always comes to mind when I'm not at a place I can write it down. So here it goes thanks to good timing.

Cutter gave me quite possibly the best compliment I've ever received (even better than being told someone is proud of me). He told me that I am the most active/talented person he's ever dated, that I know how to do a lot of cool things well. (Like sew, fix cars, computers, code, needle point, crochet, all that stuff that no one ever seems to think is cool of me.) I felt so good when he told me that. I felt for the first time in awhile like I was really worthwhile.

He also told me something when he was drunk that thrilled me. He says he really does want to have kids someday. He's always so iffy about it if I bring it up, mostly because it scares the crap out of him to think about having children right now. I don't want kids now, but I want to eventually. And I am so happy that he wants children too at some point in time. Way further in time than the present!

Anyways, happy thoughts.

So since I've posted some pictures, now I can write a bit about the actual weekend.

The Divorce rocked the party, rocked the partay. I wrote about that already though. Saturday morning I got up after 3 hours of sleep and went to work all day. After work I went home and picked up Cutter and we went back out to near my work in Birch Bay for a staff party my office threw. Awesome food, free drinks, it was great. We had a few glasses of some really fantastic Merlot as well, which was incredible since we can only afford cheaper, though pretty good, wines.

After the party, we went to The Nightlight to see Idiot Pilot. We got a few t-shirts that are so awesome! Mine is pink (I know, what happened to my tom boy youth?) and has piano keys on it and has one of my favorite lines from a song of theirs on the bottom- "wolves never really attack people." (You've just got to hear the song.) Cutter got a black one with an ink blot type logo on it that was the first Idiot Pilot t-shirt. Free buttons and stickers too!

We were early, so we played pool badly for a bit, met up with a friend, and then had a few drinks. We watched the opening act (whose name I can't remember, I wasn't that impressed obviously) and chilled out. Open Hand was next whom I've never heard of before but really enjoyed. Then Idiot Pilot! They are on a crazy tour right now so they looked exhausted but the show was the best of their I've ever seen. The sound quality at The Nightlight was incredible! The 3B wasn't bad, though some of their speakers weren't working, but The Nightlight was nearly arena quality sound but in a small bar so it didn't echo a lot. Man they were great. They finished up and walked off stage but people shouted for an encore for so long they came back out and played one more song, "To Buy a Gun" (one of my favorites). They started talking about bands that walk off when they realy have a song or two more to play just so they can get the encore call and come back out. Then said that 'Wolves' really was their last song so they had to get some stuff ready to play another.

Got about 5 hours of sleep last night, and I know I'll crash soon. But this weekend was amazing. And The Presidents of the USA are playing in Bellingham on June 10th! Rock on! This summer is so exciting! And we have tickets to go see the third Star Wars movie when it comes out, we're seeing the midnight premier because I've never been to one.

I'm surprised how happy I am, honestly. I haven't felt this good in so long. And I know it wouldn't be nearly as fun if it weren't for Cutter being there.

I wish that Cutter could understand this one thing. This one important thing.

( irrationality )

It all just makes me doubt myself and I can't do that right now. I'm trying to learn how to cope with these issues and feeling invalidated makes me want to hide it all again like I did for the last year.

I feel uber lazy lately. I have no idea what the cause of my sudden lack of motivation to do anything that can't be accomplished through osmosis.

I thought I would take a moment to say that I am ridiculously happy with my boyfriend. I love doing everything with him (which is something extremely rare, I'm usually a very anti-social and independent person). I have yet to have a single moment where I thought- you know, I just want a few minutes away from him. Not once! Anyways, I digress. I love him. He's incredible.

I need to do some real work. I have cantelope. Hmmm... Maybe I'll procrastinate and have some cantelope. My stomach still feels a little weird. I have no idea why I've felt sick since Thursday night, though I am feeling better.

I need to take a shower.

My big scar on my leg looks kind of yellow. Weird.

My rapist is coming back like...now. In fact, he could be here already. I am so afraid he's going to call me.

Things are going really well with Cutter. But I've been really stressed (money, school, rapist, etc.) and honestly I don't know how I've kept myself from cutting. He doesn't want someone he cares about to hurt themselves, which is sweet and I understand that. But in that emotion he gets angry and hurt rather than trying to be supportive and sympathetic. If I cut he would be so upset with me. And then he'd say something about how a few of his ex's cut and then I'd feel like I did last night- like I have all of the negative qualities of his ex's and none of the positive. I told him that scares me, but he says that's not the way it is and I know he can't control how he feels, how he would react. I'm just scared because I am running out of non-self-destructive ways to cope right now.

Cutter and I found the BEST place to live! We'll find out probably tomorrow afternoon if we've been approved or not. But I have really no doubt that we will be. It's AWESOME! They just knocked the rent down or else we wouldn't be able to afford such a nice place. Two bedrooms, a kitchen with dishwasher, one bathroom, and the apartment is practically all new. There's a pool, sauna and mini-gym which rules.

There's only one problem...

We have to be out of here by tomorrow and we can't move in to the new apartment until this weekend at the earliest, next wednesday at the latest. So we're going to have to stay with Cutter's Dad and Stepmom until then.

Guess what else I found out? After all my parents bullshit about me breaking the rules and wanting me to stay here on my own (even though I can't afford it), I was going to have to move ANYWAY because THEY were breaking the rules!!!

They told me that they had permission for me to live here even though it's supposed to be 'owner occupied', meaning only the owner can live in the house and since my parents are the owners and they don't live here, I'm here against the rules. So I was going to have to move anyway through no fault of my own. So why do they get to make it sound like I messed it up for them? At this point, I feel a bit vindicated that they are most definitely going to lose money on this place.

On Sunday, they showed up and told me to start packing my things so I could be ready to leave by Tuesday. I refused to pack my stuff with my Dad standing over me and critisizing me for 'packing wrong', they got pissed and left. Twenty minutes later there's a knock at the door and MY PARENTS HAVE CALLED THE COPS. They lied to the police and said that they didn't know who Cutter was and didn't have permission to be there and that we were refusing to leave. SO NOT TRUE! I told them we would be out by Tuesday. I just didn't want to try and pack my shit all right then seeing as how I had to study for my mid-term in the morning and I just know how my Dad is. He would stand there and tell me I was packing wrong, yelling at me the whole time about how I'm a terrible daughter and that I don't care about anything. It's crap. I refused to let it happen to me again. Man they were pissed.

Cutter is proud of me for not taking their shit. I'm actually proud of me too. I feel bad for my Mom though. She's sad, and she has this whole thing about keeping the parental front united so she won't disagree with my Dad in front of us. When he's mad he's completely irrational and doesn't listen to anyone including himself.

One good thing that is stemming out of this (besides me finally cutting the last strings my parents have on me) is a great name for an essay that Cutter came up with- Parental Retardation

Ok, I've calmed down and now I'm just left with a residual feeling of failure.

I want to call my mom and tell her what I did, that I cut again.  Go down and stay with my family for the weekend.  If only I thought she wouldn't try to have me committed...  Nah, she wouldn't when she realized how expensive it is.  And if someone forced me into it, I definitely wouldn't be the one to pay for it, that's for sure.

I don't think I'm serious enough of a case to be committed.  For Christ's sake, I have cut twice in the last two years.  Granted, this time I cut a lot (though not deep) and last time I cut way too deep.

I'm calmer now after talking with Cutter last night.  He hit on something that no one else has before, something that I held as my deepest fear that I was too afraid to say out loud for fear it would come true.

How can someone like me, who can barely take care of herself, have children.  I want so badly to have kids.  Not now, I mean, I'm only 21 and have lots of things I want to do with my life, but in the future...  I can't raise children without fucking them up if I'm fucked up...  My second greatest fear is that I'll pass on depression to my kids.  Depression runs in my family and I am one of those people who thinks it can be genetic.  I wouldn't wish all this on my worst enemy, how could I bring myself to chance it on my own child.

When Cutter hit on that, I broke down.  We were talking online (I was crying but luckily it's not like he could see or hear that) and I just had to log off.  We texted a couple times later that night, and he said "would you put a child in arms with 30 self-inflicted cuts?"  God I hope not.

There are two things that are most important to me to have in my lifetime: to fall truly in love and to have a family.  (Both are really along the same lines.)  Truly in love.  The kind of love where you love someone more each day whether you've been with them for ten months or ten years.  And have a family with that person.

Though aren't having children really only a means of self-fulfillment?  Someone theorized that having children is one of the only truly completely selfish acts.  You're bringing life into the world because you feel like it.  Because you want to see miniature versions of yourself or because you want to fix the mistakes your parents made with you or the mistakes you made as a child.  My motives?  I can't say I know for sure.  I love kids.  I haven't always.  In fact, there was a time not that long ago I wasn't sure I ever would want to have children.  I don't know what changed I guess.  I do know the mistakes my parents made that I wouldn't make.  But I don't think I'm the type to try to live vicariously through my kid.  There isn't anything that I really wish I had or hadn't done that I can think of trying to make my child go through.

Cutter isn't sure he'll ever want kids.  He says he doesn't even want to think about it right now.  Maybe I should prescribe to that.

I find out tonight if I have jury duty starting Monday or next Monday.  If I have jury duty Monday, I think I'll stay in Bellingham for the weekend since I'm serving in district court in Seattle and will be staying with my family.  If not until next Monday, I might go down and try to talk to my Mom about the cutting.  I need someone to help me through this right now and I'm too afraid that Cutter will get more upset with me if I try to talk about it with him.  Maybe I should tell him that.  He thinks I want sympathy.  I don't.  I want understanding and support.  It's not like the cutting is a stand alone problem.  It stems from something deeper and cutting myself doesn't cut it out, it's temporary relief.  I know it's not productive or a cure-all, but I guess I just ran out of ways to cope...

...and apparently he had a bit of a panic attack thinking that I for some reason might think we were still together.  (Well, if you've read my lj, you know I'm with Cutter and definitely don't think I'm with someone else!)  His little brother called me the other night upset because he just found out we had broken up and he apparently never told his family.  So he decided to just make sure I knew and sent me a re-break up e-mail.

It's always wonderful to open an e-mail to find a litany of all the reasons you aren't worth being with.  Highlight of my day, actually.

Ok, I know we've been broken up for a little while, but it still kinda sucks to hear it all over again.

I shouldn't have been so naive to think that someone would want me for the long haul.  I mean, everyone has issues but, well, I think I'm pretty fucked up.  I mean, some people just have a fear of commitment, I have a huge scar on my leg from cutting myself.

Cutter likes my scar.  He says it gives character.  And he understands about having something to remember that time in your life...

Why am I so naive?  To think that I actually was worth that kind of trouble...what a joke.  The thing is that I wasn't really upset when we broke up.  I mean, I gave him the easy way out and he took it.  I wouldn't have given him the easy way out if I didn't want him to take it.  But at the same time it bites to be rejected, even if I rejected him first.  It would be easier if I were over what happened when we first started dating...

I can't say I am totally to term with this, but everyone I've talked to says he raped me.

We were fooling around, he tried to have sex with me and I flipped (totally flipped as in crying and shaking and completely freaking out).  I said no, and he stopped.  We went to sleep.  Next thing I know, I wake up to him having sex with me while I was sleeping.  I flipped again and told him to stop and he did.  It happened one more time...but when I told him to stop he didn't right away- he stopped when I started sobbing and saying 'please, don't'.

If anyone else told me that story I would say it was rape...   I have difficultly calling it that- I just remember how I felt and how upset I was.

God I sure know how to pick 'em, don't I?